I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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