so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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