I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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