i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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