He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
