you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
