I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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