She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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