I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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