I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize