so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
