I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
