Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
