I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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