shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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