apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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