Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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