you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
