How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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