Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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