When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He passed out mid-signature
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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