and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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