boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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