after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
