guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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