i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
last night I used snow as a chaser
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
