We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
