Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Randomize
