david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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