Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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