my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
