I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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