i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
