all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
