woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
