she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
