Pappa wants mamma naked
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
