Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
