I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
