I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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