I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
