I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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