In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
