I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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