My sheets look like a crime scene.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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