How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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