If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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