remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
