I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
this hospital has no fireball
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
