pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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