he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
