There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
