That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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