phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
