I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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