the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Randomize
