You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
