i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
