coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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