I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
