y did u give ur computer a hand job?
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
